Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Thoughts and whatnot.

I came back from dinner with Mark, and I really feel happy. Is it the Mongolian Beef I had at PF Chang's or is it the coconut froyo from Pinkberry? Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm having a good day although I broke my iPhone's screen and stayed at uni till 7:30 PM?

Well, it doesn't really matter. What matters now is that I'm happy. I feel peaceful and strong. I also feel kind of old, but in a good way. Hmmm.. not really old actually but more like mature. Well... maybe "mature" is a big word, I mean I still have sooo much to learn and I'm curious, I'm thirsty for experiences, whether professional or human... I don't really know how to call this feeling; it's a mix of excitement and peacefulness, with a little bit of apprehension. That's probably the best way to describe it.

But again, I don't really need to put words on feelings. I'm a strong believer in living the present moment. Because that's the only real thing. The past is a sunk cost and the future is an illusion. Don't get me wrong though, I do believe that the past matters for its the only way for us to become better versions of ourselves. And the future is important too, it gives us a reason to build something in the present. What I'm trying to say is that the past and the future are only here to help us have a better present.

Here's another thing about the past and the future: you can use them not only to become better but also to feel better.

Images from when I was in kindergarden are still stuck in my head. I remember mom making me smoked salmon sandwiches every wednesday when I used to come back from school at noon. I remember swimming in the pool everyday of the summer that my white skin became tanned and my hair blond because of the bleach. I remember Rana dressing me up and taking photos of me, she used to say I'm her Barbie. I remember the french castles we used to spend our summers at, while dad drinks wine and mom and Hasan go biking. Line used to sit on the window and read. I remember Line studying in her room and me entering, she even let me listen to Brassens with her sometimes. I remember wanting to become and actress, and then becoming one. Well I nagged enough, mom had contacts, I met the director/screenwriter, talked to him in his office, next thing I know I'm on TV... 15 episodes. I remember the friends and the teenage stories. And of course the scoliosis surgery and the 2 months in Paris at the hospital. A bit later in time I remember the DVD nights with Mo and Abdoudi, introducing me to real movies and rock music. I remember the excitement of becoming an AUB student, choosing a major, getting used to the campus, finding the accessible roads, with Ziad. Wow, it feels like yesterday.

I'm turning 21 in less than 48 hours. I'm graduating in less than 3 months. I'll need to start working and getting my own income. Responsibilities and stuff. It took me a while to realize that. And even now I don't fully know what it means, but I accepted it and I feel ready to start a new "adventure". See, this is what I meant earlier when I was talking about maturity; the feeling of being able to let go of a certain lifestyle and move to another. This fear I had towards the business world is transforming into excitement (not overly confident though).

Let's end this à la Oscar speech style, shall we?

Life is about the people you surround yourself with, or at least that's where I get my strength from. I would like to thank my family (including the cousins, aunts and uncles, and grand parents), my friends (Leen, my AUB peeps, the awesome OC-ers, the few worthy tweeps who will recognize themselves), and nature (since the trend is now everything green-organic-healthy-yoga-namaste).

Peace and whatnot.